somethings about me and for me and from me

yes. i have begun to stay up late again and have somewhat sleepless nights. but my dreams have come back to me. it seems like more than 4 months ago i couldn’t remember being in a dream state. now, i see me in action with people i know or people i have yet to know… in familiar places with or with out but with full intensity as if i really am walking around and living thru my dreams. its pretty scary, even if the subject matter is not frightening.

its like im mrs indiana jones walking into a place that hasn’t seen any form of life for over thousands and thousands of years! yes i am talking about me posting material or even reading my subscriptions. *sigh*  how quickly the flame dims and smothers itself out … well enough depressing “matters” i am back! victorious? less neurotic? i hope not! that is what makes for an interesting read by my standards! life has been what i have made it, everyday, since i last posted on you tumblr. hiding and seeking, avoiding and antagonizing, failing and praying.

im nervous. so much that i can feel the blood pumping in the back of my head, hard. i at times wonder where the nervousness comes from… in this particular case, its because my date chose me. im trying to relinquish the control in my date world, mostly because every date that i have picked out myself has ended terribly. so in the year 2011, i decided to go against my initial rule of attraction and let things come my way. and her i am, a nervous wreck. when im in faced with anyone who shows even a scant ounce of interest in me, my eyes gravitate to the floor, i fiddle with my fingers on my jacket or scarf, i end up saying things to make the other person like me whether or not i am actually attracted to them or not. a mistake that i as a woman will own up to and want to cease immediately. i dont want to lie to anyone, espically myself about how i feel or what i feel. it can just be so complicated for me. a friend i can make in five minutes or less and feel no fear what so ever. but if this friend checks me out, im checking out for good. maybe im not ready? maybe i should just not go on this date? but shit i already told him i would, and there is the people pleas-er in me. i don t know if i really really like the guy yet. but what i do know is hes nice, he picked me, hes different than any guys ive ever dated. so here i go, expending my nervous energy into journaling in an effort to fully enjoy myself tonight, and not be nervous. perhaps the best of my imagination is taking hold of me…. more than likely so. but i have to defeat my own monsters and my own fears. i want to defeat my own fears and monsters …. pictures soon to come but for now ….

in an effort to categorize and organize myself, i typically end up straying away from the structure which i once thought before to be my goal. i leave - come back to it, look at it again… i may change a thing or two start to organize again and then become distant… a recurring theme (i lovethis word pairing) in my life… and im sure if i count, ive failed and tried again in pairs, even numbers. at least it seems that way and the appropriate way to describe me and my trials. i love to write. it has been my first (chronologically) love in my life. ive always had pieces of paper close to me with scribbles on them, ive collected about a dozen notebook all sizes and formats lines, no lines card stock paper, recycled 50%, grid, dots, color coded, made covers, leather covers, ive written in many books with words already in them (outside of my preparatory studies) hundreds a thousands of words notes scribbles and drawing in these notebooks. its a complusive disorder that makes no sense what so ever… but when i do it everything in my life all the other worries and stresses seemed less… i guess my steam isnt really blown off it streams out of an ink pen or marker, pencil lead, eyeliner.. and thats what is now in front of the whole world wide web to browse… all of my irrelevant, non sense-ical, emotional, sane, loony, rampant, starving, alienated, medical, etc.. spouts come from. i dont have to make sense of them, because even if its gibberish, these things make sense of me.

al green is a magical man. i want to emulate him, his work moves me. right now im listening to this song and nothing in the world can do me wrong. there isn’t anything that al green + time + responsible alcohol consumption + journal + food (aka life experience equation) cant fix in my life.

sideways by citizen cope i suddenly feel more at ease …